Five things

1. I got this awesome makeup palette from Eyes Lips Face in the mail yesterday. I won it at a Twitter party put on by the Clever Girls Collective for Project Runway. Um, fun! There's another Twitter party tonight, sponsored by L'Oreal - perhaps I'll see you there? RSVP here! I played with the palette today. It made me look like this. I'm not as snarky as I look in the picture. And please excuse the bra straps. My only strapless has given up the ghost. Oh, and this is what it looks like when I do my own hair. Messy. One side flips left - and so does the other! Why does the hairdresser always cut in two levels, one 3" shorter than the rest? That's not what I mean when I say I want layers! Grr!

2. I have a crush on the Pür minerals 4-in-1. It's $40 at Shoppers. For a compact of pressed powder. Ugh. Why is it MORE expensive to get make up with LESS in it (I don't want the chemicals, parabens, garbage fillers that are in all the regular drugstore brands, thanks). If you have a suggestion for a decent concealer and foundation that aren't full of toxins, xenoestrogens, comedogens and carcinogens... I'd love to know. I would go without but, unfortunately, at my age I still have acne issues.

3. I have been Beyond the Rack shopping again - this time for my husband. We picked up a pair of Doc Martens for him for $45 in one of their events last weekend. Just for the record - remember when I ordered that adorable Dereon lingerie set? Well it never came - I guess they oversold or something dumb like that. So they refunded my account... I was disappointed. I'm curious to see what happens with the Docs. I love Docs and wore one pair of their 8-hole boots for eight years before they wore out. They're a pain (literally) to break in, but soooo nice and durable once you get through that. My husband is a lucky man, is all I can say.

BTR is an invite-only online designer outlet. If you want to join and try it out, here's your invitation. Joining is free, and you can see all the current and upcoming events. They have stuff like shoes and clothing (men and women), handbags, cosmetics (Balmshell's on now!), lingerie, housewares, swimsuits, toys... You know. Stuff.

4. It was a good mail day yesterday. I also got a Made in the Shade dress from DownEast Basics that I won at Getting Kinda Crunchy (thanks!!). Lovely, although the value was marked at $30 on the shipping invoice, and that dastardly UPS charged me $29 in "import fees". This isn't duty or taxes, it's UPS' greedy money-grubbing evilness at work. UPS sucks.

Dearest US companies,
Please - when sending to your customers in Canada, go with a better courier.
Love, Emily.

5. I love spring. This year is a little harder. I wish it hadn't occurred to me that Lost Baby #1 would have been 10 weeks old today. I don't mean to torture myself. I don't mean to keep track at all. I wish I could forget. I confess, it's hard to see all the moms walking around the neighbourhood now that it's nicer out, babes in strollers and carriers, tots held by the hand. And the whole April Fool's "I'm pregnant!" joke on Facebook makes me ache inside. Not. Funny.

Shh...

It's finally snowing here after way too many days of rain. Yesterday it was 8 degrees. In Ontario. In January. So wrong! In January, it should be snowing. So all is just a little more right with the world. Not everything is okay, but one thing is better.

Thanks for your comments, by the way, on my sad tail day post... I am not 100% out of the funk today but I am feeling a little better. I think it's part SAD, part work stress, part anxiety. And it sucks that so many of us are going through these feelings. We probably all need a vacation to some sunny spot - to relax, soak up the sunshine for our Vitamin D fix, forget our troubles for a time. I wish!
________

Last night I had my painting class. One of my students kept going on last week about how my husband and I should have kids. This week again, she was talking about it, asking me if I was taking prenatal vitamins and so on. I barely know this woman. I am certainly not about to tell her about our troubles. She seemed to be completely oblivious to the vague, subject-changing answers I was giving to her questions, my smile becoming more and more brittle, how uncomfortable I was becoming. I know she meant well and just to be friendly, but it really had a salt-in-the-wound effect on me.

Unfortunately, I know I have done that to people, too. If you've never experienced the loss of a pregnancy, or the frustration of infertility, you don't even really think about it. I've certainly asked people about having kids before (I don't think I was as persistent as my student, but still). I didn't clue in that it might be a painful subject for some couples.

Just saying. Something to think about next time you're wondering why a couple doesn't have children "yet". Maybe they can't. Maybe it's on their minds at every waking moment. Maybe they've been through agony, both emotional and physical, in their struggle for a baby. Maybe they've got a dresser full of baby stuff, a room painted in the perfect nursery colour (Tiddley Pom by Behr's Disney line, btw), hearts longing for a child to love, names picked out, but only bad experiences to show for it... that look on the ultrasound technician's face. The awkward way doctors tell you that you're about to go through hell. Crying from the pain and the loss on the bedroom floor, in the washroom, in the ER.

Maybe it's better not to ask.
_______

Now that that's off my chest... I do have some more giveaways to share today from other blogs. Don't you love blog giveaways? I do (can you tell?!). I love reading blog reviews, learning about new products, having the chance to win something and try it out. Fun stuff. Here we go:

For baby:

• Win a Thirsties Duo at Dirty Diaper Laundry. Ends February 8th.
• Another chance to win a Thirsties Duo at Haute Tot and Baby Couture. Ends February 10th.
  
• Win a Bummis Organic Diaper Kit at Minnesota Mama's Must Haves. Ends February 5th.
• Win a Snug Organics Sherpa Sleeper at Mom's Best Bets. Ends February 7th.
• Win a set of Bummas cloth wipes at Toddler Mama. Ends February 7th.
• Win a $20 gift certificate to Friendly Fish at Glimpse Reviews (Canadians only!). Ends January 28th.
  

For the ladies:

• Win 15 sample colours from Basic Minerals (eyeshadow) at Coo Coo Courtney. Ends February 4th.
• Win a handbag from Handbag Heaven at Thanks, Mail Carrier. Ends February 11th.
• Win lingerie from Eden Fantasys at Love to Shop Mom. Ends February 4th.

For anyone:

• Win cool printed pillowcases from A Perfect Thing at Sweeps4Bloggers. Ends January 30th.
  

Slacker!

It's me. I'm the slacker. I've totally been slacking off on the giveaway lists. But not to worry, I have a whole pile of them saved up and I will tell you about them!

Plus, I have four (!) giveaways lined up here, coming soon. I'm hoping all the companies come through. Right now I'm waiting on a few products to review - and of course they're taking forever with the Christmas rush in the postal system. I'm really looking forward to this! It should be fun.

Today I think I need to get to the grocery store (ugh! it's going to be a zoo! Why am I putting it off! It will only get worse!), and maybe I'll drop by HomeSense while I'm out... I know it makes no sense to go shopping two days before Boxing Day, and all my Christmas shopping is done. And it's crazy to go shopping anywhere on Christmas Eve. I guess I'm crazy like that!

I'm still not feeling Christmas. Despite the awesome early Christmas present, the baking (nearly 300 cookies), the wrapping, the tree, the get-togethers with friends and family, the Christmas cards sent and received... I don't feel it. One day soon I hope that I will get rid of the other feeling that I've got instead. The feeling of loss, frustration, grief, and, to my shame, jealousy, that I've been carrying around. I don't want to be that person. I was expecting a January baby, before the miscarriage. Then a June baby, when I was told I had an ectopic pregnancy - didn't have one - did have one (way to get my hopes up). Now I'm hoping, fearfully, tentatively, with all my heart - for a November baby. Maybe we will be lucky. More likely, it won't happen right away.

All I want for Christmas is for next Christmas to be a totally different experience.

Hmmm, enough about that already.

Thanks for your comments yesterday on my post (rant?) about food. I'm still reading the book I mentioned and it's really making me question my own diet. As you know, I'm vegetarian, but not vegan. I've been buying free-range eggs (and there's a difference between free-run and free-range - check out the wording and question what 'access' means, exactly), but after the kind of articles I've been reading, I am not convinced that makes any difference. I wonder if I can find any farmers around here who sell eggs from un-genetically engineered chickens that enjoy the privilege of an actual outdoor space, natural light, nesting and roosting areas, the use of their beaks, fresh water, food that's appropriate and not filled with supplements or 'preventative' antibiotics, with more than 8/10 of a square foot of indoor caged & stacked space per bird. We're in the country, so, maybe. Or - maybe I need to just stop with the egg eating. They're kind of gross, anyway.

When Meghan mentioned about cutting chicken making her gag, it reminded me of how the smell of ground beef used to make me gag, back in the day when I ate meat. At the time I thought to myself, why eat something that makes you gag? Isn't that one of our most basic reactions to things that aren't good to eat? Like, you know, things that have spoiled or are inappropriate, or carry disease?

And reading this book has led to some internet research, and honestly, I am learning a lot more about livestock farming than I ever wanted to know - and that's kind of the point. I didn't want to know because I already know it's horrible and wrong. Kind of like you don't want to know the details of child abuse. But the difference in your moral response is that your actions don't condone child abuse... yet by eating meat (or eggs, or dairy), how can you say you're not complicit in the abuse of animals? When the evidence is there, if you would only look? Anyway. I don't want to get all accusatory or preachy, at ALL, it's just something I've been thinking about a lot. To inform my own decisions. (And I'm not comparing child abuse to livestock farming, it's just a very clear example of a moral situation that's not a quandary at all.)

My point was (and I got really sidetracked there!) that eggs make me gag. So why the heck have I been eating them? Ugh. I think I'm done with that. I need to do some kitchen experiments with egg substitutes.

Ok, if you read this far... way to bear with me in my philosophical struggles! It's funny how writing things out makes the inevitable conclusion jump into focus.

That's hardly all. But I've got to get out and do that shopping, stat!

Something to be excited about

The background:

Okay, so anyone who's been reading my blog for a while knows about our recent troubles: we've been trying to start a family for 13 months and so far have had a miscarriage in June, and an ectopic pregnancy in October... dealing with the aftermath of these things has been incredibly hard for me, both physically and emotionally. The hardest parts have been - aside from the extreme physical pain of the first, the anxiety and termination of the second, and the accompanying misery of both -

• watching ALL of my friends have babies in the last 6 months. Really, all of them. Perfect, beautiful, happy babies, with exhausted, delighted, frustrated, happy, wondering parents. I love the babies. I love their parents. But it kinda hurts, too. And not only is it a little hard to see the happy families, it's also hard to have our friendships change, as the parents are so busy and tired with babies that we don't see them as much.
  
• knowing the EDD of my first lost pregnancy is approaching and trying so hard not to think about how far along I would have been, if only.
• being the person that is more emotionally affected in our relationship. I know that DH wasn't as affected by either the pregnancies (after all, he couldn't really see anything happening, and certainly didn't experience the symptoms of early pregnancy, the hormones (oh, the hormones), or the physical pain of losing them), and I also know that he doesn't get how, since they're "over", why I'm still so affected. He tries. But I know he gets impatient with me. And that's hard on me, too.
  
• reading blogs detailing the experiences of pregnancy and motherhood... I'm fascinated by and eager to join the ranks of mom bloggers, but at the same time it's a little like I'm rubbing salt in my own wounds by reading these daily.
  
• the waiting, which seems like forever.
  

The waiting is SO. FRICKIN'. HARD.

Not only the waiting during - after we'd found out there was a problem with the pregnancies, and were waiting for test results, the pain to start, the pain to end, the emotional fallout (waiting to stop waking up crying and bursting into tears at the drop of a hat) - but the waiting after, when it feels like time is alternately flying by (in terms of my age) and crawling along at a snail's pace (in terms of wanting to get going already).

While we're waiting for February, I'm trying to keep steady with maintaining my health and learning about the things that I've been going through, fertility in general, and things that may help us in the future. It makes me anxious to learn that I now have a 20% chance of another ectopic pregnancy. Scary. But I've also learned that we are able to get pregnant, which is a big hurdle for a lot of couples, and it doesn't take forever (even if it feels like it does).

Here's the "excited" part:

I am going to have the opportunity to try some new things in the near future that hopefully will help us with the next round, thanks to Fairhaven Health. You may have noticed the button to the right, up there near the top, for Fairhaven Health. It's a site I'd looked at ages ago when we first started trying, and then life happened, I got distracted, I never really followed up. But after reading about what was going on with me, Jamie from Love To Shop Mom got in touch and encouraged me to contact them. Result: over the next few weeks (once the products arrive), I'll be testing out the FertilAid, FertileCM, and a digital basal thermometer. I'll let you know how it goes.

I've been using Fertility Friend as well (which will be more useful, I think, with the basal thermometer). While I've been pretty aware of my cycles over the last year, there are a lot of little things that this helps keep track of that it hadn't occurred to me to track. For instance, I had no idea that I am sleep-deprived about half the time - DH suffers from sleep apnea, and that really has been affecting my sleep; I just hadn't realized how much until I tracked it.

Anyway. That's a lot of me, me, me info.
________

A little on the not-so-serious side...

Phrase I am sick of: "At the end of the day..."

Ugh. I have heard this every day lately from different interviewees on CBC Radio 1. I think it's a dumb thing to say.

Phrase that has me giggling like a little girl: "Stink pickle"

I saw this on Manic Mother (where the context is as funny as the phrase itself). I'd never heard it before. I know I oughta act my age, but really... I know you're laughing, too.

Christmas shopping

DH and I took the day yesterday and went Christmas shopping. I don't go to malls much, and if I do it's usually on a weekday (working at home and being self-employed has its privileges!). So I was a little unprepared for the madness (even on a Friday) before Christmas. It was a zoo.

The hard thing was this. I woke up feeling sad, after a vivid dream that my cousin was pregnant with her fourth. I mean, that would be happy, but it made me feel sad about the two pregnancy losses and the waiting and worry about trying again. Then at the mall we went into The Childrens Place to look for Christmas gifts for the nieces and nephew. And it (of course) was packed with strollers and babies... I kept it together although I did rush DH out of there when I realized I was starting to fall apart.

But the mall itself was full of moms, strollers, babies everywhere. In front of us walking were two moms carrying their babies and pushing strollers. There was nowhere to look without seeing something that reminded me.

And I lost it. I started crying and I just couldn't stop. In the mall. Totally embarrassing. We found a seat at the food court and DH went to get me a Starbucks - he was so nice, hugging me and going to get me something that usually makes me happy, but he really doesn't know how to handle it when I lose it like that. People were staring at me and all I could do was try to stop crying. He told me people in the line-up for coffee were asking him if I was okay and giving him dirty looks, too - little did they know, it wasn't his fault I was crying and he was doing what he could to make me feel better.

You would think you'd get over it, at least enough to go through the day without bursting into tears at something little like seeing babies at the mall. It's been 5 months and two weeks since the miscarriage. It's been six weeks since the ectopic pregnancy was terminated. And I'm okay, most days, but once in a while it all just comes back to the surface and I realize what I thought was healing is still an open wound.

Anyway... we did get a large part of the shopping done, although I'm not finished. I've got the husband to buy for (he's so hard to shop for!) and we want to do some homemade goodies for our friends and neighbours. Plus all that wrapping (how do you wrap two king-size pillows???)... And we don't have the tree yet (maybe this afternoon?).

I don't feel the Christmas spirit at all this year. I was 'supposed' to be 35 weeks pregnant at Christmas. It was 'supposed' to be a time full of excitement, anticipation and preparation. Now... it's just a time to see all the families around us having their babies' first Christmas, and thinking about what we have lost. I AM hopeful for next time. But it doesn't diminish the pain from the last two times.

Christmas sucks.

Done venting... for now anyway! Giveaways:

For the ladies:

• Win an Everyday Minerals Everyday Resort pallet and a lavender mint lip balm at Today's Diva. A winner drawn weekly for 10 weeks, ending February 15th.
• Win a scarf from Affordable Scarves at Cool Canucks! They have some really nice ones. Ends January 21st.
  

For anyone:

• Win a Mia Mallows sampler pack (gourmet marshmallows, mm.. not vegetarian, but I bet they're yummy!) at Oh My Baby. Ends December 13th so hurry!
  

Trying to stay positive

...in the aftermath of having a miscarriage in June and an ectopic pregnancy in October. Yeah, this again... Sorry, it's just so heavy on my mind.

I had a methotrexate shot last Wednesday to terminate the ectopic pregnancy (which had started to end on its own, but not fast enough to alleviate my doctor's fears about rupturing my fallopian tube). What's that like? Well, it was mostly a lot of waiting in the ER, then two needles of the methotrexate in the bum (two injection locations increase absorption). This is a chemotherapy drug that basically stops cells from replicating. There are lots of potential side effects, but "all" I felt was a little nauseous and really tired. The nausea has passed, but I still feel fatigued. There's very little pain (just some continued cramping that I was experiencing before I got the shot), and no bleeding really, just the same daily spotting I've been having for two months now. I wasn't as far along (only 3-5 weeks is my guess) so this time there are no painful contractions, and no bouts of crazy bleeding (thank goodness) like last time.

My doctor has told me that this drug is teratogenic (it can cause deformity in a fetus), so we have to wait for at least three months before trying to conceive again, to make sure it's out of my system. Meanwhile I am getting lots of blood tests to watch my levels of HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin - the hormone that indicates pregnancy) and make sure they drop right down to zero.

After a year of trying and two lost babies, it's so hard to think we have to wait another three months before even trying again. (Honestly, it's going to suck to have to use condoms!) But we can't take the risk.

All of our closest friends now have babies one or two months old. Even our neighbours all have babies - I'm not exaggerating, both our immediate side neighbours, both our immediate backyard neighbours, one across the street, and two others beside our immediate neighbours have newborns. That's seven houses full of baby goodness, right outside every window in our house. We're surrounded. And I'm not going to lie, it's hard to be the only ones among our peers who are going through this. It's hard to hear about our friends' "surprise" pregnancy and wish it could be so easy for us. It's hard to hear about the new babies and even the parents' small complaints - I can't help but wish we could trade places.

Anyway... my point is, I'm going to try to stay positive. I'm not exactly a believer in the 'power of positive thinking', but at the same time I have seen how negative people seem to be magnets for trouble. I'm not sure if there's any logic there, as I am in general an optimist (and look what's happened to me!), but I find life is better when I am upbeat... and if I start to be pessimistic about things I could really see me spiraling into depression. So happy and hopeful is the plan.

I've been preparing myself for pregnancy for 15 months now. I started three months before we started 'trying'. I cut out caffeine, alcohol (except for a few occasions when I knew I could not possibly be pregnant and only had one drink), and try to get enough sleep. We already eat a very healthy vegetarian diet, but I've also cut out artificial sweeteners and non-pasteurized cheese. I stopped eating mayonnaise for a while during the two pregnancies. I kept track of my cycle. I avoided hot baths and hot tubs. I did everything I could to make sure I was an ideal candidate to conceive.

And really, I think it worked - we conceived after just 5 cycles of trying, then again the 3rd cycle after the miscarriage. I think we have just had two ultra bad luck flukes.

So I have these three months to wait. Three months that can go by however I choose. I can choose to be random and get my drink on (well, actually no, not with the methotrexate - increased risk of liver damage doesn't sound fun), eat all the junk food I want, stop going for my daily walks... or I can choose to maintain the pre-pregnancy lifestyle of healthy habits which may increase our chances of conception next time. Hmm, no contest. My body's been a temple for 15 months and I'm going to keep it that way.


One thing I'm doing that is at least making me feel a little in control of this situation is reading a book called Making Babies by Sami S. David, M.D. and Jill Blakeway, LAc. I won it (!) on the blog Park Avenue Princess and it came in the mail on Thursday - yes, the day after I got the shot that ended this pregnancy. I decided that November 1st was the first day of my three month wait, so last night I dove in and read the first three chapters.

It's basically about (so far) learning about your body, how conception works, and things you can do to increase your chances of conceiving a healthy baby. They combine backgrounds of Eastern and alternative medicine and traditional Western medicine. The focus is on natural conception, but they definitely discuss all the alternatives from acupuncture and herbal supplements to fertility drugs and IVF.

Even with all the reading I have done in the last year+, I am still learning new things as I read this book. It has a little much self-aggrandizement in the writing for my taste, but the information is easy to read and doesn't dumb down the details. I like the case studies and the diagrams and charts that are easy to understand. They have also included a basal body temperature chart (to photocopy and use) with wayyy more information on it than I have seen elsewhere - and discussed exactly what to look for to determine ovulation in three different ways! It's all the stuff we never discussed in health class. I'm talking cervical mucus here, with descriptions of exactly what it should look like and when; how to check out your own cervix, really detailed stuff like that, things my family doctor/midwife/girlfriends/mom certainly never told me.

So far I'm pretty impressed. I'm not sure how much it will help us as we do seem to be able to conceive, but I also am a big believer in knowing your own body and taking charge of your own health so I am very happy to be learning more and feeling a bit more in control and aware of myself. And who knows, maybe there's one simple thing that has meant we had these two flukey losses. Maybe there's one small thing we have missed that will help us have a healthy baby.

If I have learned anything in my experience with conceiving so far, and could give advice to anyone, it would be not to wait so long. I was 32 when we started trying, and I'll be in the last months of 34 or even 35 by the time we (hopefully) have a baby. While I have always wanted two children, the later it gets the less the likelihood that we will - my husband is saying with the increased risk of problems after 35, and how old we will be as parents, he doesn't want to have two anymore. (I still do. That's a whole other issue.)

For me I had a late start because I was married, then divorced (over my ex not wanting kids, there's irony for you), then I re-married last year. Obviously that's not the way I expected life to happen. And I had actually wanted to start trying back when I was 26... but that's not the way things panned out. Now time is working against us.

Anyway. I will be posting some giveaways later as well (in a separate post), if that's what you were looking for and got this instead!

Travelling and waiting

So, we're going on a trip this weekend, heading down to the States with my brother and sister in law for some shopping and sight-seeing. The dollar's nearly at par, and we're in need of some new clothes. Today, for instance, I'm wearing a t-shirt that had bleach spilled on it. Not in an artsy, funky way - just in a ruined shirt way. Classy. Definitely time for some new clothes.

This is definitely not a regular expedition for us - I think the last time I went to the US exclusively for shopping was in the eighties, as a kid, with my mum and dad! So it will be fun to see if we can get some deals. I have heard that Pennsylvania's the place to go, and someone else recommended Detroit for outlet shopping, but it wasn't me planning this trip and so we're going a little further afield, to hit the Arundel Mills mall. Anyone been there? I hope it's good.

As for me, I'm getting more and more anxious to have some closure on this miscarriage. I know I talk about it a lot (boring right?!) but it's pretty much on my mind all the time. I know that this is going to end that way (it's not just a feeling - the HCG levels aren't rising properly, and there are other clear indicators that this is going to terminate), but my body keeps trying to convince me otherwise. My body is pregnant and keeps reminding me that it is. The more pregnant I feel, the more that hope creeps in - which is bad, because I know I should absolutely not get my hopes up. There is no chance this pregnancy will result in a baby. So the longer this goes on, the more painful it's going to be both emotionally and physically.

Yet, there seems to be very little help for me from the medical professionals at this point. The earliest ultrasound I could get was for next Monday (and results take up to a week). My family doctor is referring me to an OB (as of last Friday) but I haven't heard from them yet (though I've been calling to try to rush things along). Meanwhile, each day that passes is another day wasted, another day of spotting, another day of useless pregnancy nausea and sore boobs. Another day of over the top hormonal emotions. Another day of the slight pains and cramping. Another day of futile growth that will have to go - and the more growth, the more pain when it does go.

So to me, and my husband as he is dealing with it too, this is urgent. And incredibly frustrating.

Anyway. There's my whining for today (I saved up from yesterday ;) )
And here are some giveaways.

For baby:

• Win a set of two Luvloo Mini ToyWranglers at {Natural} Mommie. Ends October 27th.
• Win a trio of speesees kimono bodysuits (size 12-18 months) at True Cuddles (must be a subscriber). Ends October 24th.
• Win Mrs. Smith's diaper bags - at Baby Loving Mama (ends November 3rd), Jabbering Jessi (ends November 6th) and Me and My Boys (ends November 2nd).
• Win a Puj Go Sling at My Wee View. Ends October 27th.
• Win a Rockin Baby Sling at Newly Wed, Newly Bred. Ends October 29th.
• Win a set of Bummas wipes at Newly Wed, Newly Bred (ends October 26th), Suburban Saving Mama (ends November 3rd), or Organic Girl (ends November 6th).
• Win a cute plush monkey from CSNBaby at Cravens Home. Support her very first blog giveaway! Ends October 29th.
• Win the item of your choice from Momo Baby at The Deal Scoop! Ends October 27th.
• Win an absolutely lovely handmade papercut night light at Fog and Thistle. Ends October 26th.
• Win a Glow Baby journal at Brown Couch Events. Ends October 31st!
  

For the ladies:

• Win a $50 gift certificate to Amon Maternity at Mommy? I'm Hungry! Canadian winners must pay shipping. Ends October 27th.
• Win a bamboo tee and stainless steel water bottle from Green Cricket at Country Mouse, City Mouse. Ends October 25th.
• Win a pair of Hatley Pyjamas at Jolly Mom. Ends November 4th.
• (or for kids) Win a tee from Andira Rain (three winners!) at Sweeps4Bloggers. Ends October 30th.
  

For anyone:

• Win a $50 gift certificate to ecopiggy at Mkokopelli. (Lots of baby stuff, but also other eco-friendly goods) Ends November 2nd.
• Win a $50 gift certificate to Novica at A Happy Hippy Mom. Ends November 10th.
• Win a Cuisinart ice cream maker at Tri to Cook! Oh, my. I want one of these. My mum used to make amazing homemade ice cream... I wanna play! Ends October 26th.
  

Good morning...

Today is the LAST day to enter my giveaway for your choice of natural skin care products from Skin Free! I'll draw the winner tomorrow!

So I am okay (well as okay as I can be) with having another miscarriage. I accept this. It's easier being so early. But it hasn't happened yet, I'm waiting for an OB appointment to find out more, the next ultrasound appointment isn't for a week, and meanwhile... I am starting to feel pregnant. No! It's bad enough knowing a baby is once again not in the cards, but to have to be nauseous, have sore breasts, skin breakouts, be thirsty and tired all the time, uber-emotional... for nothing... So unfair. Ugh.

So. Giveaways.

For the ladies:

• Win one of two $25 gift certificates to Shade Clothing at Sweet Life in the Valley. Ends October 22nd.
• Win a Bravado Allure nursing bra at Breastfeeding Moms Unite. Ends October 22nd.
• Win a Medela nursing bra at MomStart. Ends November 2nd. Also, read her post if you're interested in reviewing a nursing bra!
• Win a Natural Woman 100% Organic Cotton Jersey Cami and Tap Pants Set from Eberjey at {Natural} Mommie. Ends October 23rd.
• Win a Baby Kaed Jacey diaper bag at Me and My Boys. Ends October 31st.
• Win an Orglamix eyeshadow set at Toddler Momma. Ends November 1st.
• Win a Namaste handbag at Baby Loving Mama! Ends November 2nd.
• Win a pair of Pearl Izumi athletic shoes at Jamie's Precious Peas! Ends November 4th.
  

For baby:

• Win a $75 Zutano gift certificate (newborn clothing) at Me and My Boys. Ends November 1st.
• You can also win a $75 Zutano gift certificate at Organic Girl. This one ends November 5th.
• Win a set of Kid Bean wooden blocks at The Mommy Homemaker. Ends tomorrow, October 20th.
• Win The Bunnies in the Garden Gift Set from The Corner Stork at BabyLuxe Daily. Ends October 26th.
• Win a Knickernappies Diaper Sprayer from Growing Green Bums at Newly Wed, Newly Bred. Ends October 25th.
• Win a Bebe Belay tether clip (3 winners) at Coolest Kid Reviews and Giveaways. Ends October 28th.
• Win two Snugfits onesies with matching hats or pants from Along Came Baby at My Organized Chaos. Ends October 23rd.
• Win a Halo Sleep Sack at Jabbering Jessi. Ends October 26th.
• Win a Serena & Lily sling at Brown Couch Events. Ends October 24th.
• Win a Sprout Shell (car seat cover) at Minnesota Mama's Must Haves. Ends October 29th.
• Win a Glow Baby journal at Feisty, Frugal and Fabulous. Ends October 28th. (I just won one over at Minnesota Mama's Must Haves - can't wait to see it!)
  

Results

Thank you for the kind words...

We just got back - the numbers indicate that it is miscarriage #2.

At least... it's not as far along as the first, so I wasn't as emotionally invested. And not being as far along means (hopefully) that it won't be as horribly painful as the first. There isn't exactly a silver lining or bright side here; that's the best I can do.

I'll probably have to go for a D&C this time which is scary. I'm getting a referral to an OB/gyn. Hopefully they will be able to address our troubles in a way my family doctor can't.

Down

I'm feeling down this morning. I am accepting that either way, the results I get later today will be bad. Either my HCG levels are going down - which means a second miscarriage, or going up - which is worse - because it would mean a possible ectopic pregnancy. I'm pretty sure there's no way this is a viable pregnancy considering that Aunt Flo has been visiting for the last 40 days (and has definitely worn out her welcome), and I've been having constant pain.

So I'm feeling miserable. I'm an optimistic person, but this past few months have really been wearing on me. It's hard to keep a happy outlook when your hopes keep getting kicked in the face.

Hubby has the flu, so he's miserable too.

And all my friends are now new moms (the ones who weren't moms already). The only people I know without kids now are 10 years younger than I am. Logically I know that maybe next time we will be lucky, and their joy has nothing to do with my sadness, but in my heart I have the useless, frustrated, childish reaction that it's not fair, and why can't that be me? I've been faking being okay and cheerful but it's so hard to keep up the facade.

Things to look forward to... we are going to the States next weekend for a mini-vacation. We are going to Mexico in November for our one-year anniversary. Neither of those things are really making me feel any better right now, but hopefully they help take my mind off the crap that my heart and my body have been going through.

I might do a giveaways list later today, but right now I'm just not up to it.

What (not to) say.

On one of the forums I'm on, for women coping with miscarriage, a woman wrote in to ask how she could help her friend, who had just told her she's miscarrying. This got me thinking about the things people said (or should have said, or should NOT have said) to me when I miscarried.

Hmm, maybe that's a little misleading. The truth is, I still think about it all the time - and cry about it, and sometimes just go quiet and space out, and feel wistful and sad and frustrated and angry... So thinking about this is not exactly out of character for me right now. It's still very present in my life.

Anyway, the point is, if your friend is having a miscarriage, there are a few things you should know if you want to support her.

The best thing you can do is listen.

She will need someone to talk to who won't judge, won't pretend it's not a big deal (it is a huge deal when you go through it) and won't make her feel bad for hurting or giving "too much information". She will need someone who will offer hugs, cry with her, and let her talk about the pain, the plans she had made for the baby, the emptiness and futility she may be feeling now.

Miscarriages happen before 20 weeks - after that it's considered a stillbirth - so being so early in the pregnancy she may not have yet told anyone she was pregnant. So she may want to talk about the way she felt being pregnant, to relive the joy a little and even the first trimester complaints.

Many women I know are having babies later in life. (I'm 33 and just had my first pregnancy which resulted in the miscarriage - and I have so many friends my age with their first pregnancies or newborns.) So she may be feeling the pressure of 35 looming, with its increase in probability of fertility problems and chromosomal problems or other birth defects. She may have been trying to conceive for a while - years, even - and gone through the frustration of different fertility treatments. She may have seen her friends having children and been feeling so left out and heartbroken. To go from that situation to that Big Fat Positive on the pregnancy test, only to have that joy and hope taken away is truly traumatic.

The worst thing you can do is not call, not ask about it, pretend it didn't happen or act like it's not a big deal.

So your friend needs you. She needs to borrow your strength and your shoulder to cry on. She needs someone to rage about the unfairness of it all with her. So, what can you say?

The best thing you can say is:

If you need something to say, "I'm so sorry" works! Or ask how she is feeling, what she is feeling, how her partner is handling it, what her doctor/midwife said, if she is going to take time off work, if she wants a project to keep her busy, anything - just ask about it. She may feel like she can't talk about it - because no-one does - and that's not right. Women should talk about this.

Before I had a miscarriage myself and learned more about it, I had no idea how common it was. None. Nobody talked to me about this. The pregnancy book I bought - nearly 500 pages - has one paragraph about miscarriage. Neither my family doctor nor my midwife talked to me about the possibility of miscarriage.

Now I know that the best estimate is that 20-25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. One in four! And this is only an estimate, because it is believed that many miscarriages happen before a woman even knows she is pregnant, so those aren't counted in the stats. Think about that... for every three kids you know, one baby didn't make it, and one woman has gone through a miscarriage. Some women go through many miscarriages before carrying to term. I can't imagine how hard that must be. And nobody talks about it.

I had no idea what to expect physically. My doctor was actually cheerful when I went in, sobbing, knowing in my heart I was about to miscarry. My midwife was kinder and talked to me about it over the phone, giving me some information. But I learned the most from the forum on the internet - from other women.

And I really want to emphasize that we girls need to talk about this. If I hadn't read the words "gushing" and "contractions", I would never have expected these things during the miscarriage. I think I would have expected a heavy period. Ladies, it's not like that at all. I would have flipped at the amount of blood and the feeling of passing tissue. I know this may sound like Too Much Information, but a little TMI is so much better than none if you are about to go through it. Or if your friend is going through it - learn a little about this, help her know what to expect.

The worst thing you can say is:

* "it was (wasn't) meant to be"
* "it will happen again for you soon"
* "lots of women have miscarriages"
* "at least it happened now and not later"
* "just think of the miscarriage like a period, only a little late"

... anything that diminishes her loss in any way just ends up hurting. This was a baby to her, not a "pregnancy" or a "fetus". A baby. Her baby. Most likely much wanted and already loved. Hours or days ago she was a happy, pregnant, mother to be. And suddenly she is not any of those things.

The last thing I will say is, it's not the kind of thing that is 'better' after a week or two. She may still be physically going through it even 4-5 weeks from now, and will certainly be grieving emotionally for a long while. A quick hug or even a phone call and a "How are you feeling?" over the next few months will mean a lot and show you care.