Down

I'm feeling down this morning. I am accepting that either way, the results I get later today will be bad. Either my HCG levels are going down - which means a second miscarriage, or going up - which is worse - because it would mean a possible ectopic pregnancy. I'm pretty sure there's no way this is a viable pregnancy considering that Aunt Flo has been visiting for the last 40 days (and has definitely worn out her welcome), and I've been having constant pain.

So I'm feeling miserable. I'm an optimistic person, but this past few months have really been wearing on me. It's hard to keep a happy outlook when your hopes keep getting kicked in the face.

Hubby has the flu, so he's miserable too.

And all my friends are now new moms (the ones who weren't moms already). The only people I know without kids now are 10 years younger than I am. Logically I know that maybe next time we will be lucky, and their joy has nothing to do with my sadness, but in my heart I have the useless, frustrated, childish reaction that it's not fair, and why can't that be me? I've been faking being okay and cheerful but it's so hard to keep up the facade.

Things to look forward to... we are going to the States next weekend for a mini-vacation. We are going to Mexico in November for our one-year anniversary. Neither of those things are really making me feel any better right now, but hopefully they help take my mind off the crap that my heart and my body have been going through.

I might do a giveaways list later today, but right now I'm just not up to it.