Thank you all so very much for the kind words and support. I have told my closest friend, who went through the same thing last summer and is now in her 6th month of her second pregnancy and everything looks great for her. I also talked to my mom and step-dad tonight about it, they were also very sad and supportive. We decided not to tell my husband's family until we have the good news of a healthy 12-week fetus next time, we just want to avoid the sympathy, curiosity and gossip that goes with a big extended family.
And my husband has really come around now that he realizes I wasn't just thinking the worst - the reality is that the worst is happening. I think he was still in denial and hoping it was some kind of mistake. He's been really sweet since last night once I started the real bleeding (TMI) and today, reassuring each other that we love each other and lots of hugs are getting us through it. He is very disappointed as well.
I've had a few good solid cries and that actually helped me get through the worst of it. I'm sure the grieving's not over but I feel like I can handle things a little better today than I could yesterday, that's for sure.
It will get easier once the cramps and bleeding stop and my body stops acting pregnant (I still have the nausea, skin issues, etc of the first trimester), once my belly goes back to normal, I will feel like I'm back on track and in a while we will try again.
We spent the day making jam and pie, weird thing to do but it kept my husband and I busy all day so we weren't sitting around thinking too much about what might have been.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
How to devastate a woman.
So this is what's going on with me.
Friday morning marked 10 weeks and 3 days of my first pregnancy. I haven't really talked about the pregnancy with anyone because I loved having this sweet secret between me and my husband. Plus it was early so I wasn't ready to share about it yet. But I have been floating on happiness since the first positive pregnancy test.
I had been spotting a little since Tuesday and on Friday morning it was more. I called Telehealth right away and the nurse recommended I go to see my doctor as soon as possible.I gave my husband a call at work, he was away from his desk so I left a message - I'm sure - just saying I was going to the doctors and would call him when I got back. My midwife's office was closed, and she is in a town a half hour away anyway so in the interest of expedience, I went in to the doctor in town. She palpated my abdomen, did a pregnancy test (still positive) and requisitioned blood work for the BHCG levels and an 'urgent' ultrasound. I was crying in the doctor's office, and I felt she was pretty tactless about the whole thing. She kept talking about "if the baby died" (no easier words to help me handle it) and being all perky, saying "it's not the end of the world!" Maybe not for her but it sure felt like it to me.
I went over to the blood lab immediately and got the blood drawn for testing, still crying in the waiting room - can you believe not a single person asked me if I was okay this whole time, from the two receptionists to the 10 or so people waiting - anyway - I came home and was just getting on the phone to update my husband, when he came rushing in the door. He said my message was that I'd gone to the ER at the hospital, and he'd gone there to find me (of course I wasn't there). I swear that's not what I said but he swears it is. So he was pretty stressed and upset and of course on seeing him I burst into fresh tears and told him what had been happening. We called and got a rush appointment at the imaging lab for the afternoon.
At the lab they brought me in and lay me down on the stretcher for the ultrasound. She started it up and I could see very clearly that the screen was showing what looked like a black hole. She said she was seeing the gestational sac but nothing inside it. At that point she called my husband in, explained what was happening, I got to go pee (finally!) and then she had me lay down again for a vaginal ultrasound (TMI? sorry). The vaginal u/s showed a fetus but she said it was not the right size for 10 and a half weeks. It looked more like 6 weeks. She said there may be a dating discrepancy but she also could not find a heart beat (though if it were 6 weeks she probably wouldn't anyway).
After a couple of discussions on the phone with our midwife and the doctor's office, both suggested a further blood test on Monday to check my beta levels. But I already knew what was going on. I knew the possible conception dates and 6 weeks was not one of them. I was very upset and basically spent the afternoon crying. My husband was still living in denial and kept telling me I didn't know for sure what was going on. He actually got pretty angry and suggested that if the dates were wrong and I did have a six-week old fetus I could be causing harm by getting so upset. But he couldn't feel what I was feeling. I already knew in my heart what had happened. After the ultrasounds I started having cramping, and last night I started bleeding.
We have lost this pregnancy. I am devastated. And it will be harder still with so many of my girlfriends pregnant. I am surrounded by pregnant women and soon will be surrounded by newborns (literally - 4 of our 5 neighbours are pregnant as well, and there are two other newborns on our street). Of course I am happy for them but it brings our loss into sharp focus.
It feels so pointless to have gone through all this - the rollercoaster of emotions, the first trimester pains and constant nausea, just to have it end this way. I did everything 'right' that I could control. And I know the stats, it's not uncommon, it's probably a congenital defect or chromosomal abnormality, there was nothing I could have done, blah blah. It doesn't help to know that stuff. It still hurts like hell.
Friday morning marked 10 weeks and 3 days of my first pregnancy. I haven't really talked about the pregnancy with anyone because I loved having this sweet secret between me and my husband. Plus it was early so I wasn't ready to share about it yet. But I have been floating on happiness since the first positive pregnancy test.
I had been spotting a little since Tuesday and on Friday morning it was more. I called Telehealth right away and the nurse recommended I go to see my doctor as soon as possible.I gave my husband a call at work, he was away from his desk so I left a message - I'm sure - just saying I was going to the doctors and would call him when I got back. My midwife's office was closed, and she is in a town a half hour away anyway so in the interest of expedience, I went in to the doctor in town. She palpated my abdomen, did a pregnancy test (still positive) and requisitioned blood work for the BHCG levels and an 'urgent' ultrasound. I was crying in the doctor's office, and I felt she was pretty tactless about the whole thing. She kept talking about "if the baby died" (no easier words to help me handle it) and being all perky, saying "it's not the end of the world!" Maybe not for her but it sure felt like it to me.
I went over to the blood lab immediately and got the blood drawn for testing, still crying in the waiting room - can you believe not a single person asked me if I was okay this whole time, from the two receptionists to the 10 or so people waiting - anyway - I came home and was just getting on the phone to update my husband, when he came rushing in the door. He said my message was that I'd gone to the ER at the hospital, and he'd gone there to find me (of course I wasn't there). I swear that's not what I said but he swears it is. So he was pretty stressed and upset and of course on seeing him I burst into fresh tears and told him what had been happening. We called and got a rush appointment at the imaging lab for the afternoon.
At the lab they brought me in and lay me down on the stretcher for the ultrasound. She started it up and I could see very clearly that the screen was showing what looked like a black hole. She said she was seeing the gestational sac but nothing inside it. At that point she called my husband in, explained what was happening, I got to go pee (finally!) and then she had me lay down again for a vaginal ultrasound (TMI? sorry). The vaginal u/s showed a fetus but she said it was not the right size for 10 and a half weeks. It looked more like 6 weeks. She said there may be a dating discrepancy but she also could not find a heart beat (though if it were 6 weeks she probably wouldn't anyway).
After a couple of discussions on the phone with our midwife and the doctor's office, both suggested a further blood test on Monday to check my beta levels. But I already knew what was going on. I knew the possible conception dates and 6 weeks was not one of them. I was very upset and basically spent the afternoon crying. My husband was still living in denial and kept telling me I didn't know for sure what was going on. He actually got pretty angry and suggested that if the dates were wrong and I did have a six-week old fetus I could be causing harm by getting so upset. But he couldn't feel what I was feeling. I already knew in my heart what had happened. After the ultrasounds I started having cramping, and last night I started bleeding.
We have lost this pregnancy. I am devastated. And it will be harder still with so many of my girlfriends pregnant. I am surrounded by pregnant women and soon will be surrounded by newborns (literally - 4 of our 5 neighbours are pregnant as well, and there are two other newborns on our street). Of course I am happy for them but it brings our loss into sharp focus.
It feels so pointless to have gone through all this - the rollercoaster of emotions, the first trimester pains and constant nausea, just to have it end this way. I did everything 'right' that I could control. And I know the stats, it's not uncommon, it's probably a congenital defect or chromosomal abnormality, there was nothing I could have done, blah blah. It doesn't help to know that stuff. It still hurts like hell.
Worry...
I am in a bit of a panic here. Something big has been happening in our lives and something scary has been happening to me in the last few days. I called Telehealth Ontario this morning and the nurse said I should see my doctor 'within the next 4 hours'. I was calling for reassurance and what I got was WORRY! And now I'm waiting for my doctor's office to open so I can call and try to make an appointment (they are notorious for overbooking and being too busy).I'm freaking out and my husband is away from his desk at work so I can't even talk to him. So I'm venting here... sorry about the vagueness, I think some of you might know or guess what I'm talking about but otherwise I will say no more...
I also had to postpone a client meeting this morning because of this, not good for business.
:cry:
I have my fingers crossed that I'm stressing over nothing and will be told it's all okay - but that's what I was hoping when I called Telehealth too!
:(
Thursday, June 25, 2009
...and more errands
Seems like every day it is something. Today I have to make an art store run, and drop off my husband's cleats for him since he forgot them at home and he's playing softball tonight. Also I'm going to hit the mall - I haven't been in ages and I am definitely in need of a few new items. I'm seriously frugal with shopping. It's a matter of personal pride not to spend a fortune on my clothes. So I will see what I can do with just a little money today. Lastly I want to go to Fabricland - I'm making a baby quilt for one of my seven pregnant friends and need some more fabric and batting!
Meanwhile, some giveaways:
For baby or tot:
Meanwhile, some giveaways:
For baby or tot:
- Win a $25 gift certificate to Atterdag Kids at My Organized Chaos. Ends July 6th.
- Win a Jaya Loves Tekeko blanket & onesie, or a Jaya Loves Tekeko pillow from Mama's Organic Baby at {Natural} Mommie (two winners)! Ends July 5th.
- Win a Hooter Hiders nursing cover from Bebe Au Lait at Your Mama Reviews! Ends July 1st.
- Win an esbaby cloth diaper at Monkey Toes Reviews! Ends July 8th.
- Win a Flushable Diaper Liner 100 pack from Bumkins at Mommy Goggles! Ends July 8th.
- Win a pair of See Kai Run or Smaller shoes at Daily Essentials! Ends June 30th.
- Win your choice of organic onesie or tee and cap by Baby Fabulous at Ohana Mama! Ends July 7th.
- Win an Applecheeks cloth diaper, two inserts and bamboo wipes at So Fawned! Ends July 1st.
- Win a box of Always Infinity pads at Multi-Testing Mommy. This is open to Canadians only! Ends July 1st.
- Win a Hip-T at Dev's Favourite Giveaways! Ends July 2nd.
- Win a $30 gift certificate to Skin Free at MomStart! These products are rated so low on the Cosmetics Safety Database, I'm impressed (a low score is ideal!). Ends July 15th.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
The chiropractor.
I'm not sure if all my followers know this or not but there is pretty much always a giveaways list at the end of each day's post, you just have to read through (or skip over) a bit of my yammering at the beginning. The exceptions to that would be review posts.
So today I have a chiropractor appointment, and grocery shopping to do. Also high on my priority list is watching last Sunday's True Blood episode which I haven't seen yet! Although I may do that tomorrow evening since DH will be out playing softball.
I have been seeing the chiropractor (because it's free under DH's work benefits) for several months now. And honestly I think it does absolutely nothing for me. She uses this machine (the "Pro-Adjuster") to adjust my spine and also my tense shoulder muscles. Sometimes I am sore after but it doesn't seem to loosen anything up, and I am still getting tension headaches. I would definitely not be going if it weren't free - and I'm still thinking it's just a big waste of my time. Have you seen a chiropractor? Has it helped, or maybe not?
Some giveaways for today -
For baby:
So today I have a chiropractor appointment, and grocery shopping to do. Also high on my priority list is watching last Sunday's True Blood episode which I haven't seen yet! Although I may do that tomorrow evening since DH will be out playing softball.
I have been seeing the chiropractor (because it's free under DH's work benefits) for several months now. And honestly I think it does absolutely nothing for me. She uses this machine (the "Pro-Adjuster") to adjust my spine and also my tense shoulder muscles. Sometimes I am sore after but it doesn't seem to loosen anything up, and I am still getting tension headaches. I would definitely not be going if it weren't free - and I'm still thinking it's just a big waste of my time. Have you seen a chiropractor? Has it helped, or maybe not?
Some giveaways for today -
For baby:
- Win your choice of two burp cloths from Sprout Boutique at The Shopping Mama. Ends July 8th.
- Win a Swimmi swim (cloth) diaper and a Monkey Doodlez Tote Wetbag from New & Green Baby Co. at Two of a Kind, Working on a Full House. Open to Canadians only, ends July 6th.
- Win a 'Sweet Cheeks' Onesie by Bibi & Mimi (size 12-18 months) at My Organized Chaos. Ends July 4th.
- Win a pair of KidShoos at Feisty, Frugal and Fabulous! Ends July 3rd.
- Win a Little Showoffs tee of your choice at Momma in Flip Flops2! Ends June 30th.
- Win a Barley & Birch monkeys tee (size 2T or 4T) at Rocker Bye Baby. Ends July 1st.
- Win a Little Showoffs tee or onesie at Mommies with Cents! Ends June 30th.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Not impressed with Obsessed
I just heard the new Mariah Carey single 'Obsessed', and I'm .... not impressed. I hope the rest of the album (coming out in September) is better. I know, I know, Mariah?! I confess, I'm a fan. I can't stand the ballads but I usually like her hip-hoppy pop. It's fun to sing along to - not that I can make dolphin noises myself. But this new single is just not doing it for me.
Anyway. I have lots of giveaways to share today since I didn't do a list yesterday - however I did do a review of a great little shop called Bullfrogs and Butterflies Boutique that somehow ended up a few posts back, so do scroll down and check it out. Today, lots of cloth diaper giveaways (and other stuff) to share.
For baby:
Anyway. I have lots of giveaways to share today since I didn't do a list yesterday - however I did do a review of a great little shop called Bullfrogs and Butterflies Boutique that somehow ended up a few posts back, so do scroll down and check it out. Today, lots of cloth diaper giveaways (and other stuff) to share.
For baby:
- Win an organic receiving blanket by Organic Quilt Company at True Cuddles. Must be a subscriber. Ends June 28th.
- Win a cute, inspiring, fair-trade, Canadian and organic onesie or tee from Squishy Fish at {Natural} Mommie! Some of my favourite adjectives. Ends July 3rd.
- Win your choice of 5 different prizes (bObles fish, Pipa seat, toy xylophone, changing mat, or beach bag) at Canada Mom Deals. Ends July 10th.
- Win a Smartipants cloth diaper at Among the Mess! Ends June 28th.
- Win a $25 gift certificate to Bamboo Bums at Barefoot Mommy. Now, this isn't enough to buy one of their $32 cloth diapers but it certainly takes the edge off the price. Ends July 7th.
- Win a Thirsties cloth diaper from MamaMomo at Mama Notes. Ends June 27th.
- Win an Applecheeks cloth diaper! Info here, at the Mystical Kingdom. (Email entry, not blog entry for this one). Ends when they have 100 entries - no idea how many they have already though!
- Win two Thirsties cloth diapers, a cover and a 3-pack of doublers at Cloth Diaper Blog! Ends June 25th.
- Win a 3-pack of Fuzzibunz Perfect Size cloth diapers at Diaper Style. Ends June 29th.
- Win a Bebe Au Lait Nursing Cover in the Newport or Soft Spot design at My Charmed Life! Ends July 6th.
- Win a pair of See Kai Run or Smaller shoes at And Thus The Life! Ends June 30th.
- Win a Belli Baby skin care gift set at Frugal Mommy of 2 Girls! Ends June 30th.
- Win a Little Showoffs onesie or tee at Peanut Butter and Pickle Reviews! Ends June 28th.
- One more diaper... Win a GADbaby cloth diaper of your choice at Newly Wed, Newly Bred. Ends June 27th.
- Win a $50 gift certificate to Handbag Heaven at Momma in Flip Flops2! Ends June 29th.
- Win a $50 gift certificate to Bamboosa at Thrifty Minnesota Mama. They have clothes for adults and babies, as well as other bamboo products like sheets, accessories and even soap! Ends July 6th.
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