Saturday, December 12, 2009

Christmas shopping

DH and I took the day yesterday and went Christmas shopping. I don't go to malls much, and if I do it's usually on a weekday (working at home and being self-employed has its privileges!). So I was a little unprepared for the madness (even on a Friday) before Christmas. It was a zoo.

The hard thing was this. I woke up feeling sad, after a vivid dream that my cousin was pregnant with her fourth. I mean, that would be happy, but it made me feel sad about the two pregnancy losses and the waiting and worry about trying again. Then at the mall we went into The Childrens Place to look for Christmas gifts for the nieces and nephew. And it (of course) was packed with strollers and babies... I kept it together although I did rush DH out of there when I realized I was starting to fall apart.

But the mall itself was full of moms, strollers, babies everywhere. In front of us walking were two moms carrying their babies and pushing strollers. There was nowhere to look without seeing something that reminded me.

And I lost it. I started crying and I just couldn't stop. In the mall. Totally embarrassing. We found a seat at the food court and DH went to get me a Starbucks - he was so nice, hugging me and going to get me something that usually makes me happy, but he really doesn't know how to handle it when I lose it like that. People were staring at me and all I could do was try to stop crying. He told me people in the line-up for coffee were asking him if I was okay and giving him dirty looks, too - little did they know, it wasn't his fault I was crying and he was doing what he could to make me feel better.

You would think you'd get over it, at least enough to go through the day without bursting into tears at something little like seeing babies at the mall. It's been 5 months and two weeks since the miscarriage. It's been six weeks since the ectopic pregnancy was terminated. And I'm okay, most days, but once in a while it all just comes back to the surface and I realize what I thought was healing is still an open wound.

Anyway... we did get a large part of the shopping done, although I'm not finished. I've got the husband to buy for (he's so hard to shop for!) and we want to do some homemade goodies for our friends and neighbours. Plus all that wrapping (how do you wrap two king-size pillows???)... And we don't have the tree yet (maybe this afternoon?).

I don't feel the Christmas spirit at all this year. I was 'supposed' to be 35 weeks pregnant at Christmas. It was 'supposed' to be a time full of excitement, anticipation and preparation. Now... it's just a time to see all the families around us having their babies' first Christmas, and thinking about what we have lost. I AM hopeful for next time. But it doesn't diminish the pain from the last two times.

Christmas sucks.

Done venting... for now anyway! Giveaways:

For the ladies:
  • Win an Everyday Minerals Everyday Resort pallet and a lavender mint lip balm at Today's Diva. A winner drawn weekly for 10 weeks, ending February 15th.
  • Win a scarf from Affordable Scarves at Cool Canucks! They have some really nice ones. Ends January 21st.
For anyone:
  • Win a Mia Mallows sampler pack (gourmet marshmallows, mm.. not vegetarian, but I bet they're yummy!) at Oh My Baby. Ends December 13th so hurry!


  1. I can definitely relate to, "once in a while it all just comes back to the surface and I realize what I thought was healing is still an open wound."

    Most days it seems bearable, but then there are days where it still hurts so much -- I think especially this time of year when you were anticipating something so much and it's nowhere near how you wanted it to be. I'm praying for peace for you.

  2. Sept 9th was my EDD and I kept count of how many weeks I'd be until it arrived. Then how old my baby would be. I lost it at Easter at church with all the littles around.
    Completely normal. It's a HUGE loss you experienced not once but twice! I will pray for you and you DH.

  3. The little soul that you are meant to share a life with has not come to you yet......patience, trust, faith in your body's abilities and happy thoughts will get you there...that is my belief and hope for you.

  4. I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. I hope you can find some peace and positivity to surround yourself with.


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