Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Excerpts from Making Mummy Crazy

If Mia were to write a book, it'd be about something she knows. Something she's put a lot of effort into. Something she's a seasoned professional at. Something like....

Making Mummy Crazy
Tips for Babies
  • Insist on nursing or bouncing to sleep. Every time. No exceptions.
  • The best time to require Mummy's immediate attention is when she's prepared herself a nice hot cup of tea or coffee. Never, ever let Mummy drink a hot drink.
  • In the same vein, you may nap during meal preparation, but always wake for the meal so that Mummy and Daddy don't have to sit alone together and eat.
  • Insist on being held while anyone is eating. This is a good way to help Mummy and Daddy develop one-handed eating skills, and also provides the opportunities to get food dropped in your hair and to stick your drooly hands in someone else's meal.
  • A giant booger is an opportunity not to be missed. Let it dangle, then snort it back in just as the washcloth nears your face. If it should drop below snorting range, be sure to wipe it on your hand, back onto your face, back onto your hand (repeat as desired), and wave that boogery hand around if a washcloth approaches (cry if possible).
  • Mummy must be coated in fluid at all times. Do not let Mummy dry out. The easiest way is to mouth any random bit of bare skin that you can find (option: clothing works, too), leaving a coat of slimy drool.
  • Alternately, spit up. Spit up is best used when you or Mummy have recently changed into clean clothes. Preferably, spit up the mucousy, chunky, stinky reflux kind that results in instant shock and disgust noises and a flurry of activity. Also, be sure to cry when your face/arms/legs/clothing is wiped off, and especially if you are changed into a new outfit.
  • Last resort: pee. Best when Mummy has just exited the shower and put on clothes. Aim for the waist or higher, that way you will be sure to drench both shirt (and bra, if possible) as well as pants.
  • Pull hair. Your own, or Mummy's - either will produce shrieking. Wait until your beautiful 3" long hair has, to Mummy's chagrin, begun to fall out at around 4 1/2 months - then grab fistfuls of it while nursing, falling asleep or just chillin'. The key is to drool on your hands first so that they are sticky. Then you can pull out great gobs of hair, leaving refreshing bald spots and creating a hairy fist that Mummy will attempt hopelessly to clean before you get it to your mouth. Pulling Mummy's hair is also fun. Act like you're going in for a cuddle, then wrap those sticky fingers around Mummy's mane and yank. If you're lucky, she is also losing hair from post-pregnancy. Bonus!
  • Wait as late as you can before going to bed. My personal record is 2:30 am before I went to sleep.
  • Pretend you've gone down for the night, wait until Mummy falls asleep, then commence kicking practice in bed. Legs up, then - wham! - legs down! Repeat until Mummy gives up on waiting it out and comes to pick you up.
  • Keep them guessing. Nap for a week with reliable 1-2 hour naps three times a day. Then give up napping entirely and substitute whining.
  • If you accidentally sleep five hours in a row at night, make up for it by staying up for the day once you wake. Otherwise, aim for two hour stretches at the most.
  • Laugh only for Daddy.
  • Take interest in solid food only when it's completely inappropriate. Chocolate pudding, ice cream, yogourt, nuts, spicy food, or anything that is a perfect choking hazard.
  • If you are meeting someone new for the first time, hold back on the charm. Be as grumpy as possible, spit up on them if you can, look directly into their eyes and burst into tears, that sort of thing. The exception is complete strangers (shop clerks, bank tellers, etc) - for them, mix it up with a big grin, then resume complaints for your parent.
  • Shrill squeals - the highest pitch you can manage - are perfect for trips in the car, bedtime, and in public places like restaurants and malls.
  • Outgrow your clothes as fast as you can. This way you will ensure a constantly changing wardrobe of cute outfits. Who wants to wear the same thing more than twice anyway?
  • The car seat is your enemy. If you are strapped in, make your unhappiness known by crying or otherwise complaining the entire time. Do your best not to fall asleep in the car.
  • Aim to wet or soil your diaper twenty minutes to half an hour after leaving the house, no matter if it was just changed before you left.
  • Thrill Mummy by performing tricks (saying "ba" or "da", peeing on cue in the potty, rolling over for the first time, etc) and then hold off on repeating the event for at least a couple of weeks. This makes Mummy look like she is bragging that you're doing things you're not (when actually you are perfectly capable of doing them). Also, Daddy will never believe Mummy's stories about your behaviour unless he sees it for himself.
  • If the camera comes out, immediately stop doing what you were doing.
  • Everything belongs in your mouth, unless Mummy or Daddy put it there (vitamin drops, medicine, vaccines, tiny tastes of solid foods); in that case, spit it all out. The ideal way is to dribble it out the side of your mouth onto your shirt.
  • If Mummy is nearby, you want to nurse. Even if you aren't really hungry, demand that the boob make an appearance. This applies double if it's (a) the middle of the night, (b) in the car, (c) Mummy has just sat down to eat, or (d) you just woke from a 20-minute nap where you were nursed to sleep.
  • While nursing, wait until let-down occurs, then pop off the boob for a grin, to see what that noise was, to sit up and look around, or just to dribble that mouthful of milk out onto Mummy's shirt. If you are lucky, Mummy will have a strong let-down reflex and you will get a spray of nice warm milk on your face, that hard-to-clean neck, your shirt and wherever Mummy is sitting to nurse.
  • Diaper changes are the best times to practice kicking, rolling, stomping and putting whatever you can reach in your mouth. Also, help by grabbing the diaper or the hands of the parent who is changing you, and hang on tight.
I hope you enjoyed these excerpts from Mia's great literary debut!


  1. Oh wow, sorry motherhood has been so tough on you. It does get easier.

  2. Lol. I'm grumpy about it sometimes... I do love it!

  3. LOL I LOVE these! Sounds like motherhood, I giggle so many times a day at my daughter just as from reading these it sounds like you are doing as well. :-)

  4. I really enjoyed reading this, very accurate. :)


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