Life.

I know I haven't posted that much lately. Things have gotten busy around here with my work - lots of deadlines approaching and demands on my time; plus, I've started a new teaching session.

I've also joined the gym that my husband joined, and we're going about three times a week. I love the BodyFlow classes (yoga, tai chi and pilates), which I had really missed since quitting the gym a few years ago. My husband likes the BodyPump classes, which are weight-training classes with barbells and free weights. So we've been going together to both. I don't enjoy the weight class, but it is definitely a workout I feel (for days afterwards, I'm aching).

Meanwhile, I've been alternating between manic getting-things-done mode and bouts of emotional lows. The 9th anniversary of my father's death was yesterday, which is always a hard time for me. I miss him terribly. It's as though there are two days that bring that loss home, as well, because he died on a Good Friday. So each year both Good Friday and the 13th of April are reminders of his death.

Looking back on the last 10 years, a lot of bad things and a lot of change has happened in my life. Not all of the change is bad, of course - but I find change very stressful. I quit the first real job I had since university and started my own business, my father died suddenly, I got married, bought a perfect little house, got separated, sold the house, got a new boyfriend, moved to an awful apartment, my boyfriend moved across the country and we split up, he moved back and we got back together and moved to another awful apartment in a new city. I got a divorce, bought another house, waited through two years of battles with the builder, moved in, got married, my grandfather died, and we lost two pregnancies. That's a lot. I never in a million years expected my life to turn out quite like this.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to high school and make decisions over, lead a different life. On the other hand, that path would probably never have led me to my husband, and despite the long struggle to get here, I wouldn't change where I am. I guess I just wish I had been lucky enough to skip the struggle. I know women my age who are well settled, with two or three children, a 10+ year marriage, a settled life, while I feel like I am still playing catch up, still trying to get to the kind of family life that I always dreamed of and expected to come easily. I wish I'd met my husband when I was 23 and not jaded, brave enough to move across the country to be with him when he moved. Still a young woman with two living parents and no real concept of the pain that loss can bring, young enough to feel like my whole life and potential was ahead of me.

I have changed a lot over the last decade. Lost a lot of my optimism and some of my confidence, too. I'm less likely to give myself over to joy, because too many times that has led directly to pain for me. I'm less likely to 'get my hopes up', because I've been let down again and again. I'm more of a skeptic. I no longer trust that things will go well or turn out right, that people will be true to their word.

I miss the old me. She was happier. More naive, of course, but also braver, more trusting, more adventurous and more hopeful.

I guess sometimes we all want a re-do. And death makes us consider our lives. I've got a birthday coming up too, which I am dreading. Don't you sometimes wish you could put life on pause while you get your act together?

My mother is now with a truly wonderful man whom she loves. We love him, too - he's kind, smart, funny, and generous of heart. I am beyond thrilled that we have him in our lives. Her experience, and my own, show me that although we may struggle through awful times in our lives, it is possible for things to work out.

I just need to remember that when I'm feeling low.